twin·kLe ('twi[ng]-k&l)

20

 

For some, 20 is the score they got on the pop test that the teacher just surprised them with. Or it could be the rating of the lady in the bar, or the hunk who just walked in.

 

20 could be the bill handed to some random panhandler by an equally random pedestrian. 20 could be the number of shoes an average teenage girl has in her closet. It could be the number of freckles on someone’s forehead. Or the number of dead in one’s family.

 

20 could be the number of siblings in a given Chinese hutong.

 

20 could be the price of a cheap hamburger that you could buy off street corners and back alleys.

 

But for me? 20 is the number of years spent laughing, crying, stumbling, falling and getting back up again. It is the number of times that I have spent revolving around the sun. 20 revolutions within my self.

 

And yet I feel anything but.

 

However, I do feel a renewed sense of responsibility. I have decided to stop smoking. For good. Not on occasion. Not on night outs.

 

For good.

 

I haven’t gone to clubs in a while. I haven’t had a drop of liquor for a while. Save for wine. But yes, these and more I have done.

 

My friends find it hard to believe. Those who know me think I’m joking. But I kid you not.

 

I may be the craziest and zaniest person you’ll ever meet. Borderline bipolar and mentally retarded, somewhat. But when I set my mind on something, unless I have that “thing” accomplished, I can’t quite concentrate on any other thing. It’s like, I’m disturbed that I haven’t done it yet, know what I mean..? (Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night. I've got so many unfinished things to do...)

 

I’ve set my mind to set my mind straight. And I’m going to do it.

 

 

“I’m a big girl now...says I.”

 

 

 

Age is just a number, and as I say Farewell to the something-teen years, I will keep that in mind.

 

It doesn’t matter...

It Ended At Nineteen...

There’s this song sung by Canadian twins Tegan and Sarah, “Nineteen”, that I recently found upon browsing through MySpace music (visit my page, http://www.myspace.com/twinkleho). You can look for it on iTunes, LimeWire, MySpace Music, Google or whathaveyous. It’s a really nice song.

 

That song speaks to my soul.

 

I realized many things about him. I realized he wasn’t really after me. But rather, someone else.

 

T-T.. He never approved my friendster invitation. He approved my friend’s :-( http://www.friendster.com/navinlalwani

 

T-T.. He would never talk to me in the car, even though I am right there sitting in the front seat with him. He would occasionally look towards me. Make comments. But that’s about it :-( He talks to her a lot.

 

He never talks to me.

 

T-T.. He always asks her out...whenever he and I are out. We are never alone. He picks her up before he picks me up. I think they are together in the car more than we are. :-(

T-T.. I feel stupid having to ask my friend to talk to my boyfriend for me because he never talks to me. if i hadn't asked her to text him before my flight back to manila, he might have never showed up at the airport. :-(

i feel stupid for being sheep. a blind sheep.

T-T..  He would never go out with me alone. She always has to be there. And if she went home, i had to go home too. Even if i insist i wanted to spend some more quality time with him. He always says he has to go. That his mom wanted him home. That he had a "project" to do. That he had other more important things to do. :-(

I begin to wonder...why do I still say that I have a boyfriend..? When clearly--by the way things are going--I no longer do... :-(

T-T.. When I asked him to accompany me to get the electricity up at my new place, he shrugged me off like a dandruff. I was fully aware he had nothing to do that afternoon. But I was just nothing to him. I didn’t matter. Even though I had nowhere to go, no other place to stay and problems piling up on me like dirty laundry. He didn’t care. Couldn’t have given a shit. He was watching TV. Oh no...I certainly couldn’t stand a chance against Ellen Degeneres or Entertainment Tonight.

 

But when my friend asked him to look for a place for her, he was at it like a hound dog. He even drove over to San Antonio and went up and talked to the manager. Just for her. Called me up. On my phone. To ask to talk to her.

 

He never calls me. Never answers my calls. Never replies to my texts.

 

Go figure.

T-T.. But the worst one of all...and this I will never rid from my mind...was that it was my 20th birthday...and he didn't greet me. I waited from 12am to 12mn. He'll text... I told myself. He remembers...

I waited.

Nothing.

And I was turning 20. (My friend got a big green stuffed toy from him on her birthday last month).

That was the worst. And I will never forget it. I still cry thinking about it.

 

Blindness is what it’s called. And madness. Both synonymous with the infamous love.

 

Unfair..? It’s up to you to decide. There’s just something about love that drives us all mad. Sometimes, to death. Take the premier Princess, Diana. Who lived her life just searching for the one who she could love...and love her back in return.

 

This is nothing against the girl. She is a good friend of mine. It’s the so-called “one I love” that I made a mistake with...

 

So to you, Navin “Nick” Lalwani. I thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes. I put down my pride fighting for this thing which I thought to be “love”...but I guess I couldn’t suffice. I’m never good enough. I never was.

 

It was never me you were after in the first place...